Drama.. Thats what my life has been since my last post.

The beach house was fun but his sister was not.

II was not pregnant when we got to there but we were when we left...

But by then something in our relationship was derailed and we got lost in arguing with eachother.

By the time II found out II was pregnant things were not so good with Jeremy and II.

So we broke up.. Then the next day he called me saying he wanted to work it out.

So we decided to have an abortion.

He told me that he spoke to his parents..

and that all the medication from his kemo treatments and radiation could deform the baby.

He told me his moom suggested the abortion though she isnt that kind of woman.

And things still werent very good with us so we made a snap decision..

Then II spoke to his sister Kate and she told me not to rush.

She told me they could do tests but when II talked to him we argued.

He didnt want to risk having a baby like that.

So II cried my way through an abortion 2 days before my 22nd birthday...

II regretted every second of it.

It was horrible!!

Dont get me wrong, II dont blame Jeremy

II just wish we had given it more thought.

II wish things had been different!

Afterwards we got stronger as a couple again and we realized how much we regretted it.

We decided we werent going to try to get pregnant anymore..

But to quote him "whatever happens happens"

So thats where that landed us on that subject.

My grandmother came to visit me for a week in October.

II picked her up from the airport and we met Jeremy for dinner.

That night Jeremy took me out to a movie.

It was a fantastic night and things felt great again it was amazing!!

The next day we met him for breakfast and went shopping.

II was really sick so ii was pretty useless all that day.

The next day my boss told me to go home early because II was still really sick.

II slept all that day and the day after II stayed home all together.

Jeremy came to the door with the most amazing lillies and roses EVER!!

That  night he told me he wanted to make me his.. whatever that means, he wouldnt say!

The next few days II got better and me and my grandmother grew sick of eachother.

The last day she was here we fought and made up at friendly's LOL

Once she left things feel into a decently happy routine for me.

Jeremy and II were doing great.

He was prepairing for the hunting season [bow then shot gun]

II was trying to find a better job.

We found out his sister Kate was pregnant.

When bow season started he found he was having trouble with his hands so he stopped.

We started spending alot of time with his Grandparents.

II got a job with family services.

They have been training me for PCA which Im finding II like.

He shot an 8 point buck the second day of shotgun season.

It would have been 10 if the horns werent damaged.

We started seeing alot more of eachother because of my classes and all the free time which was great.

Then II opened my big fat mouth.

Jeremy is trying to save all his money so he can buy his grandparents place at the beginning of the year.

Come to find out he is more worried about it than II knew.

He hasnt been talking to me about it much.

Just that he wants to pay morgage and let me worry about the little bills.

Then II had a pregnancy scare [well not scare but...]

II was afraid we werent going to be okay as far as money and II didnt want to stress him.

So when II tested negative II told him II wanted to be safer..

He of course took that the wrong way and over text we again argued..

II got to talking to his mother and things started coming to the surface.

II was very upset and his mother could tell.

She told me after the abortion he seemed relieved that it was over and done with.

That hurt.. because II was distraught and II thought he was as well...

We talked about alot of things and it was nice to open up to her.

But now Im worried II shouldnt have said some of the things II did.

Not a big deal but II do tend to worry.

Anyway we argued and then "solved" the problem by deciding to be safer.

Then we lay down to go to bed and he is talking about not having sex anymore...

WTH thats not what II ment!!

Again we argue... and "fix" things...

Its been acouple days since then and every time II think things are fine something happens and we argue.

Today sitting in the wendy's he is talking about fostering kids

because he has to much space at the ranch for just himself...

II asked what about me and he said he thought II was staying here..

Again Im hurt. Because now he is taking everything back.

He doesnt remember saying "II wanna make you mine"

He doesnt want to be intimate Im starting to feel the push away of our relationship.

OH and better news, Im worried Im pregnant again.

He told me he was hoping II was pregnant "D Day" But II just dont know.

Im so confused and conflicted.

Its to soon to test so II have to wait,

My finals are coming up thursday and Im being poked and proded by nurses for shots to prepair for work

and his shitty attitude...

UGHHHHHH

In one day, On friday, II will be going with Jeremy and his family to Emerald Isle North Carolina. They rented a beach house for the whole family and they like me so much Im invited. Im excited... except that his sisters are freakin HOT!! And Im average to slightly over weight and that makes me self consious so there will be lots of camis and shorts over my bathing suits!

Plus most of his cousins our age will be there which means lots of partying.. and II could be pregnant so II can do none of that. II take the test to find out for sure a few days after being there. II have taken three already but because of my infection they said it might be false, his sister was so excited that she told me to take one anyway. So first thing in the morning about 20 days ((first pee of the morning like the directions say to)) after the Oops occured II took one... It came up error. So II left it alone and waited a few days after my antibiotic was finished and took the second one. Error again... Three days ago II took the third pregnancy test and AGAIN II got an error...WITH A DIFFERENT TEST! Now im feeling very confused. Maybe it knows II cheated. II am supposed to wait for a specific time II think. So Im gonna wait til that time which should be around the 7th give or take and try again..

Im very nervous, He wants to have a family. He is a bit older than me and at a point were he is ready and Ive always been a lifer so Im ready as well ((yeah II know its soon because we just started dating and what happened so shortly ago but we have always been serious since day one and there isnt any point in denying an Oops)) He has been talking like he is sure II am pregnant which makes things so much easier to except and enjoy. The scary part is how fast things could change if Im not... and how sad we will both be because of how we have let ourselves become excited... Though we said we wouldnt!

There will be no internet at the beach house so Ill have to tell you what happens when II return on the 15th! Wish me luck and fingers crossed for that bun in my oven :)

II know its been more than a week... Im terrible, and terribly sorry! BUT.. II am here now!

Its been a rought couple weeks, so lets start with the week before last. Me and Jeremy were going so well. By about monday there was questions as to whether we are pregnant or not. Im not saying its a bad thing, since then we have done alot of talking alot about starting and having a family and we are both on the same page!

Wesday II got a really bad infection in my bladder and started peeing blood really early in the morning. Jeremy got worried so we went to the ER and got some meds to help with the discomfort and the infection. II took the day off II could barely walk let alone run around and detail cars for eight hours! When we got back around 7 we both went back to sleep and didnt wake up til around 1. Jeremy went home to get ready to go to work and spend some time with his mom while II stayed home and caught up on rest. He called me up and told me he was depressed and he wasnt sure if he was gonna stay at work or take the day off.. He told me if he left work before his lunch break at 8 ((which II always come see him for)) that he would call and tell me. Right as II was walking out to the door to come see him, because he never called, he called and told me he was coming over. He had been out of work for awhile but he was at his sister Kates house letting off some steam! He came over and was acting really really weird and mopey. He did stay over all night and things seemed a bit better when we went to bed.

Thursday was weird too. Long day at work so when II got home II took a nap. Went to see Jeremy at work which was... strange and ackward. He was being really distant but didnt wanna talk about it so II didnt wanna push! He said he would come stay the night but for some reason by the end of his lunch II just felt like we werent together anymore and II was freaking out. II went to walmart to pick up a pregnancy test but in my panic II couldnt find them and called Gretchen crying, she told me to take a few deep breathes and come home and we would talk about it. So thats what II did. II also cried quite a bit. II tried to call him on his last break at 1015 but he said he couldnt talk because he was at work and thats when II hit bottom, II looked at Gretchen and told her we were getting drunk! II guess II hadnt hung up the phone like II thought because he called her and was nervous about it. She talked to him and told him whatever his problem was she loved me to much to watch this continue, that he had to come and sort things out ASAP! He got off work, went home to take a shower, we were drinking. He text me telling me he'd leave soon to come over and II had to work in the morning so II was waiting tired and drunk for him to arrive. At almost 3 in the morning he still wasnt there and II called and text him and he was ignoring me. II text him and told him if he didnt reply back call or come over it was done and II didnt wanna see him anymore. He called back immediately! He told me he was coming over and we would talk about it but when he got here II was passed out so he just crawled into bed with me and we slept.

Friday II got up and went to work just like always and he left shortly after me. II text and asked him if he was coming to see me for lunch like he always has, every single day since II started, and he said no.. II got nervous he was doing something he shouldnt be doing so II called his sister kate and asked what the odds were he was cheating on me. She asked why and II told her everything, She told me she had something to tell me because she liked me alot and didnt wanna see me get hurt, She told me that he had told their mother he was thinking about getting back together with his ex and II needed to call him and tell him to fuck off because even she was pissed with the way he was acting and she was not the only one in the family. Apparently everyone really likes me and was really upset! II was crushed, II called him, he didnt answer so II text him and told him it was over. He text me back and asked why in a panic and then called before II could answer. II told him if he cared about us he would come and meet me at work right then. He did! II guess what Kate told me wasnt so true.

What he told me was basically that he didnt have any time in between me and his ex to get a hold on the fact he was single. To make sure he made the right choice leaving her. He was at her house that night doing just that.. II was really upset but he said he realized he made all the right choices and all he wanted was me. II forgave him with specifics being added to the relationship and we began rebuilding our relationship. Things immediately got better!

Monday night II was waiting for him to come over to the house after work and he sent me a text saying he was gonna be late because he had to take something back to someone that he found in his trunk.. When II asked who and what he said he was at her parents house and II kinda exploded. II grabbed my iPod and went on a walk to get some fresh air. He called me and Immediately came to my house apologizing the whole way, he said it would never happen again and it hasnt.

So far things have been better than they were before because we are more open and have boundaries now. II feel like we are stronger but sometimes II still feel alittle hurt but Im a sensative person so we knew II was going to say that. II know he loves me because II can see it in his eyes. Because if he didnt he wouldnt be doing the things he has been doing! Like the past few days Ive been kinda depressed, Just really emotionally sensative about things, but he reassured me the whole time. And today, we went to binghamton with his family. He bought me some new outfits ((He and his family invited me to go with them to the beach house they rented in NC on the 5th)) for the beach trip. He spent quite a bit of money! We have been talking more about being a family and working towards our hopes and dreams. Its comforting!

Ive been gone a long time, and Im not really sure if or when Im coming back but II will do my best to catch you up and stop by once a week with an update.

II got my own apartment after the big huge fight me and George had on Valentines day ( Im not sure II told you about the fight but the jist of it was that he told me "II hate you so much that when you cry II wish II could just punch you in the face. The only reason II havent is because your a girl. Wow, My best Vday ever guys... ) He was not supposed to move into the apartment with me but things changed after II signed the lease... It all happened so fast II didnt have a chace to realize what was happening to be honest. Thats my fault, Im aware! About a week and a half into living in the apartment we met the downstairs neighbor who smokes pot so II asked him (stupidly) to hook me up... MISTAKE!! Me and George began smoking again though he wasnt supposed to be smoking my shit, II was already stoned and he was taking advantage, II wasnt really happy about it but then again II didnt say anything so... Yeah. Then a new neighbor Moved in, His name is Micah and he is very obnoxious and weird.

Micah litterally stands out in the hallway waiting for someone to come out and talk to him. II know this because sometimes when Id be trying to leave Id be near the door and hear him breathing outside my apartment.... He is in the National Gaurd which is basically ARMY for the weekend in a nutshell. All Micah knows how to talk about is his girlfriend MC, Pot, and the ARMY. He talks really slow and isnt funni, nor does he ever make sence and he can not take a hint. He just wants to talk about the same thing in a loop slowly and boringly even when you have somewhere to be like work. We started smoking with Micah to save money, we were smoking his stuff which was nice! He had a hooka.... it was interesting until the tobacco started giving me queezy headaches cause Id smoke to much :(

One day during all this II was in walmart looking at the movie 'Its all about Steve' and a girl came up to me with big poofy red hair and told me it was good but not to buy it if II hadnt seen it. The girls name was Gretchen and she is from TX, in her earlier days she was a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys, Cool huh? We started talking and just hit it off really quick and really well. We have basically become inseperable since then and currently are eachothers number 2. Number 2 because we both have best friends but in other states and we both just moved here so we are eachothers NY best friends. Silly but oh well LOL

Then II realized II did not wanna be living this life, II was miserable and II didnt like it, All II wanted to do anymore was get high and listen to music while day dreaming of a better life. It was very pathetic to be honest and II flushed all my shit and quit just like that. George did not do the same, he basically dove off the deep end of the depression pool and smacked his face on the edge! He started drinking really bad and going "out" all the time, where to II didnt care. II had begun to talk to my ex Kyle again and my head was getting mixed up until the day Kyle started fucking Austins fiance'. Thats probably about the day shit hit the fan. Austin became suicidal and II started spending all my time talking him down until George lost his job and tried to kill himself.

II convinced him to go into the behavoral center in Saint Joes where they impatient him. He quickly started to freak out about not being able to come home and some really bad things started happening, George wasnt here so Gretchen started staying here with me at the house. George and me started getting further and further apart and one day II just had enough. He told me he was breaking into Micah's apartment and stealing his weed. II told him never to come back. Then II started trying to meet people in genereal just so II wasnt so alone here in the state.

II met an amazing man and currently we are dating. His name is Jeremy, he is 26, and he is everything a man should be. He is everything II have ever hope the man II would spend the rest of my life would be. ( Now II realize II probably sad that when II was with George, The difference is that II was medicated, Heavily, and very very depressed. George was my liferaft and II felt like II needed him to stay afloat. II thought II loved him because of that! But when II realized who he really was II realized II am worth more. II do not deserve to be treated like shit. ) Jeremy is everything George should have been! He brings me lunch every day to my job ( II work at Ferrario detailing cars and II love it ) and never says anything bad to or about me. He gets along with all my friends and he understands me and the situations of my past. He is actually interested in my mom unlike George and II can actually depend on him. Being with him is easy and amazing. Ive not been this happy since my mom died! The feeling is undescribable!

So now me and Gretchen still live in the one bedroom, Jeremy stays over every single night, and my cat is as fat as she always has been.... Didnt tell you about my cat did II? Her name is Midna, and she weighs ten pounds. She is dark grey and loud and confused. She plays fetch and chews on bags... and my couch. II love her!

Just moved into my new apartment.

Sleeping on the floor til all my stuff gets here...

whenever that is LOL

Its really big for the price Im paying although II will say,

The people downstairs are ignorant assholes and make noise all night long.

Guess you have to take the good with the bad though huh?

Called the vet to finally get Panda fixed. 

[[which we found out is a girl and not a boii]]

She has turned into an evil bitch.

Its like bunnie PMS and II dont like it.

Its interferring with my PMS LOL

Im thinking about getting a cat,

problem is that im not supposed to have animals in the apartment.

But the guy next to me has a cat!

If he can have one why cant II?

Unless he is sneaking the cute thing inside.

II really like the neighbors dog as well.

Her name is Sue and she runs right up to the gate to get her pets every morning.

Its so cute!

II really need a house friendly animal!!

Panda is just not cutting it.

II know that makes me sound greedy but she puts everything in her mouth,

She runs away if you even think about looking at her,

and she wont let you pet her because she starts grunting

which is bunnie for 'Im going to fuckin attack you so back the fuck off'

See what II mean when II say bitch.

She litterally bites the hand that feeds her.

WHILE IM TRYING TO FEED HER!!!

II need a cat!!